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Of course, reasonableness is a subjective subject that means different things to different people. Accordingly, a healthy relationship requires some investment of time and attention to discussions of standards of reasonableness for the purpose of identifying shared expectations and/or irreconcilable differences in expectations.
The relationship standards identified in this module are an effort at discussion of reasonableness as it applies to various specific aspects of a relationship. Additional discussion of general reasonableness is helpful to cover things not already discussed elsewhere.
We subscribe to the belief that reasonableness includes fairness on multiple levels including fairness in judgment, fairness in disclosures, fairness in representations, and fairness in the sharing of work, responsibilities, and obligations relevant to the relationship. Reasonableness also includes (for us), full acceptance of personal responsibility (ownership), and honesty by default, among other things.
We do not seek to, nor do we tolerate the motivation of others by unreasonable use of deception, unwarranted fear, pain, discomfort, social pressure or discomfort, unreasonable impositions, denials, restrictions, sanctions or withdrawals unless unusual or extreme circumstances both warrant and justify such methods and only after all other reasonable methods have been fully explored and exhausted. We strive to negotiate in good faith, without manipulation, and with full and fair disclosure for what we seek or desire.
This would rule out displacement of blame or illegitimate self justification for offenses in relationships. It would also rule out illegitimate topical avoidance, obfuscation, or suppression of truths or facts that are relevant to the health and well-being of the relationship and a correct understanding of the actuality of the dynamics of interactions or offenses that have actually occurred in the relationship.
Acceptance of personal responsibility in relationships not only includes acceptance of responsibility for offenses and mistakes, but, as well, acceptance of responsibility for a general and healthy awareness of the realities of one's own human fallibilities and the potential for one's own misunderstandings, misinterpretations, false certainties, the potential for biases and emotions triggered but not warranted by current situations; awareness of one's own intellectual, educational, and experiential limitations, and the relevance of social pressures and one's own motivations and aspirations as they impact on interpretations and perceptions.
A shared view of what constitutes a healthy and rational epistemology is essential to a successful and harmonious relationship. We subscribe to the view that we should not accept, as principles of truth to live by, ideas which cannot be reconciled with a synoptically integrated body of knowledge without contradiction. Truth to be seen as truth must make sense, and must pass the test of scrutiny of it's consistency with reality as we understand it.
We do not expect to be required to unreasonably accommodate irrational superstitions, unwarranted and unhealthy social requirements or demands, or neurotic fears and phobias, nor do we seek to justify imposing such requirements in a relationship on others.
We do not expect to be required to unreasonably accommodate self neglect, obsessive, neurotic (driven by unwarranted beliefs, fears, phobias, or emotions), or self destructive behaviors nor do we seek to justify imposing such requirements in a relationship on others.
Acceptance of personal responsibility would also include a shared commitment to explore and resolve problems or differences or misunderstandings that impact on the relationship in timely manner and in good faith.
Acceptance of responsibility for us would also include a commitment to be reasonably well informed in subject matter relevant to a healthy and productive life and a commitment to the expansion and development of one's personal knowledge, talents, and capacities as a productive human being.